


The First Snow

by asimpingpotato



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Kinda Songfic, M/M, No Beta, Sakusa Kiyoomi is Bad at Feelings, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:42:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27914002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimpingpotato/pseuds/asimpingpotato
Summary: Hey, winter has come again, but that’s the funny thing, I thought it always was. It always is whenever I think of you.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Kudos: 14





	The First Snow

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is kinda inspired by exo's song with the same title. (it's good, go listen to it);  
> also did not proofread lol. anyway enough blabbing, enjoy!

_The last thing he heard was the soft thud of the door as it closes._

_Suddenly he couldn’t hear anything, feel anything as if he was sucked into a black hole, all that was left is the void inside._

_Move. Get up. Run. After him._

_He knew these, his brain recognized these words. But his body can’t seem to follow. Paralyzed, left staring at what’s left of the storm_ — _empty sheets, half-filled drawers, a pair of colorful socks abandoned in a sea of black._

_And then everything was spinning, was it him? was it the room?_

_Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Sto-_

He woke up in cold sweat, chest heaving, trying to make sense of his surroundings. Sakusa sighed, his body still shaking from the dream — _memory_.

Glancing at the clock that reads 6:00 am.

It’s the same as before— as always, since _that day_. Today was a little bit better than others, today, it was after the storm, on most days it’s the storm and what comes before it, despite that fact the pain is all the same. Knowing he can’t go back to sleep, he made his way to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face as he tried to wash away the pain. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, his face pale, noting how the bags under his eyes seemed to be deeper, darker today.

Reaching for his toothbrush, he stopped midway when a memory pops up. 

_“Omi-kun, how long will ya keep brushing yer teeth for? Geez at this rate, they might fall off.” Atsumu teased snaking his arms around the taller man, who glared at him._

_Laughing at his response, burying his face at the back of Sakusa’s neck leaving a trail of soft kisses. That no matter how much Sakusa acts like he hates it, deep down he lives for this, this silly morning routine._

Shutting the bathroom door shut, changing into his running gear to clear his head of the vivid memories that seemed to be persistent today. Running a lint roller over his clothes carefully as to not miss any spots, mask on, he was ready to head out, ready to chase these painful memories away, even just for the day—as if it was that easy.

Stepping out into the cold, he remembered how cruel the winter months are, and even more so when he got reminded of what day it is today.

A year. A year has passed since that day. The day that filled him with regrets.

_If I saw you now, would tears fall?_

He ran, chasing after the cold hoping it could numb the pain away.

-

Slowing down, to catch his breath— he looked around, noticing how the vendors happily hang in their lights, couples whispering among themselves. It really has been a year.

_Hey, winter has come again, but that’s the funny thing, I thought it always was. It always is whenever I think of you._

Walking aimlessly, letting his feet wander on its own, only stopping when he realized where it brought him.

It brought him, he realized to a small park that overlooked the city, it was small and not much people put in the effort to walk the trail up here, but the sight it was— it was breathtaking. It was _their place_.

He felt something falling, staring at the sky, closing his eyes, breathing in the cold, breathing in their place at the first snowfall.

The first snowfall, remembering his grandmother’s words “Kiyoomi, look outside, it’s the first snowfall, they say that when you watch the first snow fall with someone you like, true love will blossom between you two.” He also remembered how he thought it was silly, and just nodded, so he can run out to play.

“The first snow, huh?” Sakusa muttered.

This is it. This will be the last time

“I’ll breathe you in for the last time, and when I exhale, I’ll let you go,” whispering a croak in his voice, he’ll recall, recall everything that was Atsumu.

Closing his eyes, he heaved a sigh.

 _Volleyball season was just beginning, which means their schedule is packed with training and practice matches, and after their win against the Adlers a month ago they can’t slack off now._

_Sakusa tired from a grueling practice match against the frogs, no wonder he’ll be pissed as Atsumu dragged him, holding unto his sleeves, knowing he’ll get sucker punched to next week if he ever went anywhere near his bare skin. “Omi-kun! I heard Shoyou-kun talking about how today the first snow of the year will fall.” Atsumu murmured, hurriedly as if trying to catch the last train of the day._

_“What of it?” he grumbled out, trying to shrug off Atsumu’s hold on his jacket, ignoring the fluttering in his chest he gets whenever the blonde-haired man is near_ — _this had been happening more often now than before and he didn’t know what to make of it, or how to deal with the feelings Atsumu seemed to evoked out of him._

_“I wanna see it with you!” Atsumu exclaimed, red painting his cheeks. And as much as Sakusa complain and protest, he had wanted to see it too and only with Atsumu._

_“Maybe, we can wait for it, over the park up the small trail somewhere here,” Atsumu murmured to himself hand still clutched against Sakusa’s sleeves_ — _not even bothering to shake it off anymore, knowing how it’ll always find its way back on his arms. Not really having any place in mind, they walked silently side-by-side content with the comfortable silence. Sakusa deep in thought when he heard Atsumu exclaimed: “Look, Omi-omi it’s snowing!” Letting go of his hold on the brooding man, as he made his way over the railing, overlooking the city._

_Sakusa walked over, standing beside the blonde-haired man both silently watched as the snow began covering the city, white._

_The taller man looked over at his side, transfixed at the sight before him_ — _even more, breathtaking than the snow. Atsumu with his eyes glazed in amazement, cheeks flushed from the cold and his soft smile, as if in a world of his own._

 _“Hey, Omi, do you know why I invited you here?” Atsumu turned, catching Sakusa’s eyes. Sakusa hummed in reply as if to say he doesn’t_ — _even though deep down he knows from the way Atsumu looked at him._

_“They say that when you watch the first snow of the season with someone you like, true love will blossom between you.” Atsumu smiled, Sakusa knows that more than anyone, his grandmother made sure._

_“I know, I have always known.” He whispered, not sure if he’s talking about the tale or the fire that had been brewing between them since the last few months. He slipped his fingers between Atsumu’s as if giving him his answer._

_Atsumu would know, because this is Sakusa we are talking about and he never, not on his life let anyone hold his hands and Sakusa knew as Atsumu tightens his hold, he got the message loud and clear._

Opening his eyes, Sakusa watched as the snow slowly covered the city in white, only if it could also cover his bruised heart.

_The cold sure is cruel, to have given you only to take you away from me._

He stopped himself, there he goes again, blaming, blaming everything and everyone but himself. He knew it was never the cold, never. It was him, his insecurities and fears.

Wandering, noticing how the place had change in a course of one year, a year since he’d been here. And he’d always been here just never alone.

Sitting in a bench under a tree, far away from the public, not really fond of crowds. He just sat there staring, observing the happy picture in front of him. He used to be part of the picture. He’ll be walking his hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket clutching another’s hand to keep it warm. He knows how the owner of the hand gets cold easily, he’d been a victim of waking up in the middle of a winter night, cold feet against his own.

Then, in just a moment, he lost everything. All because he wasn’t sure of himself, because he didn’t know what he wanted, he was scared of wanting.

 _It was a chilly morning and they had just gotten back from the place_ — _their place where they always make sure to go to when the first snow fall. It had become tradition since they first confessed their feelings, five years back._

_Atsumu made his way to the kitchen, making drinks to warm them both up. Sakusa walked over to the kitchen as Atsumu finished up, handing him his drink with a light peck on his lips, grumbling about germs as he accepted both. They fell into a comfortable silence when Atsumu asked._

_“Omi, do you ever think we’ll get married one day?” Atsumu whispered, lost in thought._

_“No, I don’t think so.” He replied almost immediately, he never really gets the point of getting married, he thinks it’s useless and ruins relationships with the responsibility that comes with getting tied down. “Hadn’t we already talked about this?” looking at the blonde-haired man._

_“Yea, we had.”_

_“And you said that it was ok.” Looking at Atsumu who nodded._

_“Then, I don’t think we need to talked about it anymore.” Sakusa wanting to end the conversation so he could go shower, feeling the dirt from outside clinging to him._

_“But what if I do? Want to get married that is.” Atsumu looked at him, he can feel the shorter man getting anxious._

_“I thought you were happy with the way things are?” Sakusa growing agitated by the minute._

_“I am! But one day I just woke up and suddenly wanted more.” Wringing his hands looking torn. Sakusa felt his heart ache “Don’t you feel secure anymore or had you fallen out of love?”_ _  
__“I do feel secure! you know more than anyone how much I love you and that is why I’m asking you.” Atsumu breathed out._

_“But you know how I don’t want those things; I don’t want the responsibilities that comes with being tied down to one person forever.” The moment he let those words out, he knew he screwed up and when you screw up, the only logical thing to do, is screw it up some more._

_“Ok, that’s fine. It’s my fault anyway for suddenly wanting different things, wanting more.” When they started dating, he made sure to make things clear with Atsumu about not wanting anything more, about how he can’t offer Atsumu anything beyond dating. He knew it was because of his own fear of not being able to make Atsumu happy or how he is not enough. He knew despite that, Atsumu would accept him, but he couldn’t._

_“You should go.” Sakusa muttered as Atsumu turned to whip his head around, looking hurt as if he should just have told him those five years were nothing to him._

_“You don’t mean that.” Atsumu choked out, he can see the tears starting to form. Can’t bear watching Atsumu hurt he turned around, walking towards the bathroom. This is better, this is what’s best for them. If Atsumu wanted different things, things that he couldn’t give him, then he should let him go. But knowing the man, he wouldn’t give up that easily_ — _say that it was fine as long as he is with him, so he let out words that he knew he’d regret for the rest of his life._

_“Look, Atsumu don’t make it more complicated than it really is. If two people want different things, they can never be happy together. It’s better to end a relationship, when you both stopped wanting the same things”, He turned even if it hurts to look at Atsumu right now. As he let the words hang in the air, Atsumu looked at him with hurt and disbelief in his eyes and as if that wasn’t enough, he let out the last blow_

_“you can never love a person enough for them to change. Even for you that applies.”_

_“I can’t, can I? but you know Omi, you can’t be happy, if you always hold yourself back from wanting things, it’s never a bad thing to want things sometimes too, even if its selfish.” Sakusa stared at the man, his heart breaking because he was right, he never wanted anything, because they always get taken away from him. Atsumu was the only one he allowed himself to be selfish for, and now he had to let it go before it hurts him. Sakusa was selfish in that way._

_“I’ll go pack my things.” He watched the man’s retreating form, feeling him slipping out of his fingers._

_The next morning, the last thing he heard was the soft thud of the door as it closes._

_Suddenly he couldn’t hear anything, feel anything as if he was sucked into a blackhole, all that was left is the void inside._

_Move. Get up. Run. After him. Ask him to give you time._

_He knew these, his brain recognized these words. But his body can’t seem to follow. Paralyzed, left staring at what’s left of the storm_ — _empty sheets, half-filled drawers, a pair of colorful socks abandoned in a sea of black._

He snapped out of his thoughts, when a ball hit his leg. Picking up the ball, a boy approaching him, staring expectantly— silently asking for his ball back.

“Sorry about that.” His heart throb loudly at the familiar voice “Haru, apologize, will ya or uncle Tsumu won’t buy yo-” He stopped as he realized who was holding the ball.

“Hi, it’s been a while hasn’t it?” Atsumu smiled awkwardly.

“Hi.” He managed to reply, without his voice betraying him. Yeah, it had been a while, 11 months, 3 weeks and 4 days to be exact—not that he was counting.

“How have you been?” Atsumu asked, awkward smile gone. Scratching the back of his head— that’s when he noticed the flash of silver on the man’s hand as the sun hits it.

“I have been better.” He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, “So, you had gotten married?” Startling the man in front of him, whose cheeks flushed at the question.

“Yeah, it was a small ceremony with family members, since no one really expected it.” He knew about the ceremony, heard about it from Kageyama who asked— oblivious— why he wasn’t at the ceremony— Hinata kicking him when he had asked. He knew he hadn’t been invited, and if he had, he didn’t know if he could bear to see Atsumu with another man, all because he had been scared to be the one by his side.

“Congratulations, are in order I guess.” Atsumu smiled at him softly, at that moment he felt his heart break again.

“Yeah, I gue-” He was cut off when someone called out his name.

Clearing out his throat, chuckling “I guess, my presence is demanded elsewhere.”

“Yeah, it seems like it.” Staring at the boy who held on to the man calling after Atsumu.

“Take care of yerself, Omi-kun.” The blonde-haired man uttered as he jogs back, the man giving Atsumu a light peck —who chuckled as he reached for the boy’s other hand.

“Yeah.”

As he watched the man’s retreating form, he whispered a question he was afraid to ask the man who was no longer there.

“Hey tsumu, If I could go back one year— knowing what I had wanted, would we have been different now? Would I have been the one by your side? Would you have been as happy? Would my ring be the one you’re wearing?”

And as he exhaled, he felt something wet on his cheeks. Reaching out to touch his face, confused.

Was it because of the tears or the snow?


End file.
